IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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