yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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