I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Man, jail baloney is awful.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
