i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
