You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
