I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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