half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
