How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
