I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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