I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
