I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
