My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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