Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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