You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
