I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
