I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
