Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just forgot I was standing up.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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