Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
