i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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