Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
