I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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