I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
