I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
