Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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