the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
