you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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