ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
