You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
