I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
