Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
