Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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