Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
