just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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