TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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