I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
