When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You are the jesus of drinking
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
