Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
