wrigley field is MILF paradise
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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