I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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