oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
try to milk me bitch
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
