meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
