I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
