Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
