hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
