We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
