There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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