Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
