my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
