my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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