I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Randomize
