I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
