Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
His hands were made for my vagina.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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