Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
